Ancient Phases of Couplehood Mold Today’s Lifelong Love Plans

Loving is heroic.  But  liking is the essence of friendship; the anchoring roots of emotional intimacy.  Empathy is its forever-connected Twin.  The more emotional intimacy you have in your relationship, the more transparent you become with each other.  The more transparency there is, the greater opportunity to imagine stepping into your partner’s shoes; and really understanding their feelings.  Empathy is born.  Empathy grows.

It’s a crazy-busy daily life.  It’s as though you’re standing in the wading pool, thinking about the short-term fix to bring The Twins back.  Both of you agree to a needed  dip in cool water,  to tame the heat of emotional distance, which has leaked into your life partnership.  In reflection, it’s taken years and experiences to reach this point.

“How did we get here?”  “How do we get close again?”  “I just don’t feel it.”  “We’re in a daily rut.”   You struggle to compete:  Who’s right?  Time is spent on this tug-of-war, instead of on growing understanding of where your partner’s coming from.  Empathy-building takes time, too.  Where do you want to allocate?

This article steps you through where you are in your deeper inventory of your couplehood with homage to what I call, “The Twins”:  Emotional Intimacy and Empathy.  Get clear on what processes, not mere line-items, are needed between both of you to bring  The Twins back.  Start now.  Your attention will enhance your connection over time and especially over the long lifetime promise.

This attention and dedication involves engaging in circular processes, not line items. They’re tended to, they evolve, they resolve…then circle onto the next conversation; or circle back to the last conversation.   With empathy as default, communication, connection, and compassion can be cultivated again and again.  Emotional intimacy will grow and have high yield.  You’ll feel, “My partner really understands me (empathy).”  With this increased bonding, that elusive sexual relationship may reappear.

In the beginning…..

Empathy dropped its seeds all by itself when you first met.  It was during that first stage of Love,  the ancient Greeks call “Eros” or “Erotic Love”.  Empathy activated under the illusion that we were so much like each other.  In fact, we diffused into each other because of the auto-pilot presence of passion, desire, and romantic feelings.  There was no conscious development of emotional intimacy or empathy by us because the heat of this Love stage dominated.   This burn velcroed us to each other without effort.  Our brains flooded with feel-good hormones; dopamine serotonin and oxytocin.  The dopamine triggered an intense rush of pleasure, which has the same effect as taking cocaine.  Remember then?  Illusion continued:  Our physical attraction will prevail, as will our empathy.  It created a sense of omnipotence.   These illusions, it’s now known,  often leads ultimately to procreation.  Incidentally, once the kids come, emotional intimacy and empathy-building get pushed from the backseat to the back bumper.  Where’s the time then?  The immense attention that parenting commands erases daily time for regard, let alone empathy.

Imagine your relationship translates to the heart’s electrical activity. as shown on an electrocardiogram.  Those spikes and dips in the line tracings are called the rhythm strip. These are the norms in our days, years and experiences of a cared-for, conscious couplehood.  In keeping the “heart health” of your relationship, it’s necessary to put brief, regular attention toward these Twins of emotional intimacy/empathy in regular, predictable patterns. They show as the consistently intermittent peaks along the entire strip.  Couples ask, “So, how do we make time when there’s no time?

Slip in smiles, eye contact, thank-yous, tender-though-swift touches, playful glances, texts (especially when separated.  These take thoughtful seconds.  Drop an old-skool card in the snailmail. All are life-lines until you can get to your thirty minute time-for-two, hopefully sooner than later.  Hopefully in person, though an online emotional intimacy date will do.

Ready to form a checklist of surface “to-do’s” about getting emotional intimacy and empathy–the Twins– back in your couplehood?   Wait a sec; set that checklist aside.  A friendly reminder:  It’s not a linear solution.

By now, you’ve managed to stay together well beyond the Eros phase.  Now, it’s onto the second phase of Greek Love, called “Philia” or Affectionate Love. Phil is free from the intensity of Eros’ sexual attraction.  We’re going deeper here.  We’re talking a commitment to ongoing communications and learning processes; ongoing mindful, kindful intention.  Accountability to making this happen sustainably. A couple in my practice recently said, “We can’t get to emotional intimacy/empathy unless we get sex back.”  “Philia” does not replace sexual expression.  It is the Love of friendship.  It comes and grows with conscious coupling.  It is a banner for deeper love, acknowledged through daily regard, respect, acknowledgement, gratitude and appreciation.  You’re in tune with this journey you’re on together.  In the deepest sense, this is the love between equals.  It flourishes with empathy, attention, playfulness, trust, affection, warmth.  It adds camaraderie, loyalty, and sacrifice.  Circling through all of these qualities is the 500-pound fishing line that keeps hold on your emotional intimacy and empathy.   It’s true that when couples feel more heard, more understood, more compassionately regarded, warmth starts and ensuing “heat” can follow.  Sex is back!

Chris Rock nails Philia, when he mentions growing your relationship over time in his media special, Tambourine:  Complement and support each other.  You’ll accomplish more and do it quicker.  Stop competing with one another!   Support each others’ successes.  Commit fully or get out!

And, I’ll add, the time you spend on competition for who’s right, is time away from developing The Twins.  Remember that missing sex life?  It just might find its way back, and in a more pleasurable way, when your can trust your partner really “gets” you. So if you’re still missing that sex life, maybe because you’re single, just look for fun opportunities then also see these hot babes doing live nude cam shows as they are just stunning!

Notice how we’re growing emotional intimacy right here with your education and increased awareness?  Conscious coupling starts with positive, dedicated intention and action.  Like a piece of your favorite music together, its a feeling, a vision you hold, old, treasure.  It takes two.  Together, you pause along the continuum of your life partnership to acknowledge the joy, the truths; to stay proactive in giving attention to grow and yield.  Proactive is an important and imperative word.

Reactivity?  No thanks; don’t wait till your emotional intimacy and empathy lines are broken.   Though, if The Twins are depleted in your couplehood, I’m here to help!    Opening up the dialogue together, addressing what’s stagnating in your relationship, focusing on the reasons you love each other; and getting into our counseling session pronto can be the life-giving reset for this next long leg of your couplehood journey.  It’s an important investment for all you value together; for all you feel for each other.

Let empathy reign!